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Ron Artest Launches Charity Supporting Aging Wing Players Who’ve Lost The Ability To Hit Open Threes

February 28, 2012

February 26th, 2012-
Using the media frenzy surrounding the NBA All-Star Weekend as a springboard, Los Angeles Lakers forward and celebrity advocate for mental health Meta World Peace announced his latest public relations campaign. Known until 6 months ago by the name Ron Artest, World Peace announced that he would be launching a charity program designed to help aging small- and power-forwards who had lost the ability to hit open three point shots.

“When I won the NBA Championship, I was able to use my celebrity status to bring attention to a problem that I had been afflicted with,” said World Peace at a press conference Sunday, referring to his time as a poster child for the recuperative powers of therapy.

“I want to do that again,” World Peace said with a delirious grin on his face.

The Meta World Peace Foundation for Forwards Who Can’t Hit an Open 3 (MWPFSWCHO3) will run a public awareness campaign for aging basketball players who are slowly losing relevance. The campaign will include daily positive affirmation texts sent by Mr. World Peace, a hotline for depression, and free shooting clinics in every NBA city. The foundation will also help players unable to rehab by making connections to local TV broadcasters, forwarding information about assistant coaching vacancies, or in the case of Rashard Lewis, euthanasia.

When asked why he was launching a campaign for a problem that he himself was still currently battling, Mr. World Peace said, “When I won an NBA championship I thanked my therapist for helping me. It’s not my fault y’all thought it meant I was cured. I’m still bat shit insane!” before launching 17 missed three pointers in a row.

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