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Red Sox Players Meet With Ownership to Lobby For Popeyes, Not KFC; Hopes for Celebratory Postseason Biscuit Dwindle

August 15, 2012

Boston, MA — Red Sox players had sit-down meetings last week with owner John Henry to voice their displeasure at manager Bobby Valentine’s preference for KFC Original Recipe, unnamed sources with knowledge of the meetings told Blernsball.

The summit between player and owner come in the midst of a disappointing season marred by injuries, underperforming stars, and clubhouse tensions related to disagreements about potato wedges.  “The players have had enough of Bobby V’s preference for Appalachian cuisine. They’re Louisiana-flavor obsessed and can’t play for a man who thinks that KFC’s bland and greasy flavor profile has merit.”

There are growing signals that the fued has started to affect performance on the field. Tuesday, first baseman Adrien Gonzalez was mic’d up by MLB.tv and listeners to the live feed  heard him yelling “-Expletive- you, Colonel Sanders. I eat real chicken, not mutant animals without beaks or bones” after striking out a third time.

“It’s a toxic situation, ” said a source who wished to remain anonymous. “Bobby never misses a chance to sell them out to the media. Just lack week he criticized Carl Crawford’s preference for Cajun Fries. Carl was really pissed.”

The same source also speculated that the clubhouse battle between Valentine and the players may have led to the trading of Kevin Youkilis in June.  “Youk has always publicy prefererd red beans and rice and the option to have popcorn shrimp. Bobby V couldn’t handle Youk’s style.”

Sources also report that there’s a growing divide between players and management over Bobby Valentine’s insistence that the clubhouse be stocked exlusively with Bud Light Lime.

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